“You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.” “It’s OK to be angry. It’s not OK to scream at mommy and daddy.”
In the interest of letting my children have big feelings, and taking forever to get through the diffusing toddler tantrum course, I’ve been trying to encourage Big L to identify his feelings, acknowledge that it’s OK to have them and help him navigate a healthy, appropriate response. That’s not to say I don’t still lose my patience at times when he’s screaming at me about how he doesn’t want to wear a jacket or thinks I’m a monster because I have the nerve to put cheese on his quesadilla, but hey, we’re all trying our best, right mommas?
Well, the other night I had a minor misunderstanding with D, and this experience made me realize how I can and should be using these same toddler behavior lessons in my own life.
This past Friday, I booked an appointment at a spa. It was a gift to myself for accomplishing a big goal. Prior to booking the appointment, I confirmed with D that he could be home to watch our boys with his work and full-time school schedule. D knew how much I was looking forward to this appointment, and that Friday morning we confirmed what time he would be home and my appointment time.
Fast forward to Friday evening. I’m playing outside with the boys when Big L exclaims for the entire neighborhood to hear: “Mommy, I need to poop!” We promptly head inside but don’t make it to the toilet in time. Big L is screaming about how there’s poop on his leg, not to mention all over the toilet and the bathroom floor. Meanwhile, Little L managed to get himself into the kitchen and has strategically scattered all of our bowls throughout the house. If I wasn’t so flustered about the poop incident, I would have turned this into an obstacle course for Big L and Little L.
I clean up Big L and proceed to put both boys in the bath. After they frolic around the house screaming “we are naked boys,” their favorite post-bath activity, I get them dressed and start to make dinner. I text D to tell him about the poop incident. He sends an empathetic reply, apologizes that he’s not home yet, and informs me that he’s still waiting for work to die down. I check the clock and realize I need to leave for my appointment in about 20 minutes. I ask D if he’ll be home in time and he says no.
“Crap, I don’t think I can bring the kids with me to the spa. I’ll call and cancel but I will probably have to pay a late cancellation fee,” I reply. D promptly calls me and confesses he forgot about the appointment when he agreed to stay late and that he is really sorry. I let him know that I am very upset and that this was the one thing I was looking forward to all week, and that we confirmed it was OK again that morning.
For lack of better words, I was pissed. I was looking forward to this all week and now I didn’t get to go. I was frustrated because the boys were demanding snacks while I was trying to make them dinner, I was tired from a long day, and I was hangry because I hadn’t eaten yet.
Now, I don’t consider myself an angry person, but I’m human, and when I let the stress build-up, I have a tendency to blow up and overreact. In a recent moment of weakness, I yelled at D and flung a pan of burnt Brussels sprouts when I was at my wit’s end during a week of working from home with both boys in quarantine due to a positive COVID case at school. (Don’t call CPS, I didn’t throw the pan at anyone specifically.)
Realizing that I’m now a person who throws Brussels sprouts, I knew I needed to take a second and regroup after this misunderstanding. So I thought to myself, ‘you have a choice here. Yes, you are justified in being angry and you should definitely talk to D about it when he gets home. But while it’s OK for me to be mad, it’s not OK to let it fester, compound the feelings with my frustration with the boys and the fact that I’m hangry, and completely blow up on D when he’s likely had a long day himself.’
I’m proud to say that for once, I took the high road. I calmed myself down, ate dinner, and relaxed with the boys. I texted D to let him know I was upset but it was safe for him to come home and I would not be flinging any Brussels sprouts in his direction. Lucky for him, I was making salmon and rice pilaf. He called back on his way home to tell me he felt terrible but was grateful for that text because he was honestly scared about how upset I would be when he got home.
When D walked into the house, he immediately began apologizing. At that point, there was no reason to yell or overreact. I admitted that I was indeed upset, but I appreciated the fact that he acknowledged what happened, took responsibility, and apologized.
After that, we had a fun relaxing Friday night. When we put the boys to bed, D and I hung out, talked about the long day we both had, laughed together, and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company.
Now, this isn’t to say there won’t be any repeat Brussels sprout or pan flinging incidents in the future, but it’s important for me to remember: It’s OK for me to be angry, it’s not OK for me to throw a tantrum and blow up at my husband. If I can separate the irrational, inappropriate behavior from the feelings, it can lead to a productive discussion rather than an argument. Furthermore, it’s an important reminder that I need to model the behaviors I expect from my children and set a positive example.
I often see quotes shared from moms thanking their kids for raising them, not just the other way around. It’s so true, there’s so much we can learn from our kids. Now let’s just hope they don’t learn my temper and start throwing things at their classmates at daycare.
D, thanks for encouraging me to start a blog so that I can now call you out publicly when you screw up. I love you and wouldn’t want to do this parenting thing with anyone else.