Strong as a Mother: Exercise for Empowerment
When you think of exercise, what comes to mind? For me, exercise is something positive I can do for myself. It’s empowering; it helps me honor and celebrate my body and the things I’m physically capable of. As an added bonus, it clears my head and puts me in a fantastic mood. Working out, however, wasn’t always such a positive part of my life. For many years, exercise was an obsession and a punishment.
I was an athlete my whole life, so I was used to strenuous workouts and pushing my body to its limits. Unfortunately, my athletic career ended after a knee injury and surgery complications. Without the rigorous practice schedule and no parents to tell me what I could or couldn’t eat, like most young people, I gained weight in college. When I returned home for the summer, I went to see a holistic doctor in an attempt to lose the weight. The doctor put me on a restrictive vegan diet that consisted of 600 to 800 calories a day and two workouts a day. I dropped almost 40 pounds during the three months of summer and when I returned to school in the fall, I felt like a new person; full of newfound confidence. What I didn’t realize was that in my frantic quest to lose the weight, I began to associate my self-worth with the number on the scale. I became completely obsessed with my weight and exercise and started to base my confidence, self-esteem, and happiness on how skinny I was.
Working out and maintaining my thin frame became my main focus in life. I dropped several classes in college that interfered with my second workout. If I felt like I ate too much food, I’d immediately weigh myself to see if I gained a pound. There was a time when I would weigh myself four times a day: when I woke up, after a meal, after a workout, and before bed. As time went on, it became harder and harder to maintain this low-calorie diet and rigorous exercise regimen. As I slowly began to gain weight, I found myself growing more and more depressed. I was ashamed of my body and became very withdrawn and isolated. My life became a vicious cycle of restricting my food, binging out of frustration, and overexercising to punish myself. I knew something was wrong with my behavior, but I didn’t know how to stop.
I moved to Los Angeles after college and learned about a program to help individuals with eating disorders. I didn’t think I had an eating disorder because I wasn’t anorexic or bulimic, but I soon learned my behavior wasn’t uncommon or rare, and more importantly, I learned there was a solution to my problem. I started meeting with other people and a support group on a regular basis. One of the first lessons they taught me was I wasn’t allowed to “call in fat to life.” Prior to getting help, I would bail on friends and obligations if I felt fat or uncomfortable. In addition to creating a plan to stop my disordered eating (binging and restricting), I committed to only one workout a day and no weighing myself. I threw my scale in the dumpster when I was 25 years old. It was one of the best decisions I ever made.
It took several years, countless meetings, and support from friends and fellows to repair my relationship with my body and my outlook towards exercise. Now, I choose exercise programs that challenge me but make me feel good about myself. Weight training is my favorite because it helps to relieve stress and makes me feel confident. I also love HIIT workouts because they’re quick and effective. I no longer wish to spend hours in the gym pounding on a treadmill because I hate my body. While I’ll commit to different exercise plans, I usually base my workout on what I feel like doing that day. I also make sure to take rest days, even if I don’t feel like it. Resting is also a way to celebrate your body; reward yourself for your hard work and give yourself time to recover.
Although recovering from an eating disorder is an ongoing, lifelong journey, I’m so grateful that I have been blessed with a reprieve from my restrictive eating, food obsession, and exercise addiction. I’m also infinitely grateful that I didn’t do too much damage to my body and was able to give birth to two amazing, healthy babies.
As the mom of two young boys, I constantly think about how I can instill a positive relationship with food and exercise. I want my boys to understand that we don’t exercise to be skinny, we exercise to strengthen and nurture our bodies. I remember hearing someone in a 12-step meeting share that exercise is how his body prays. I always thought that was so beautiful. It’s my goal to set a positive example and show my boys that exercise is not about punishment or burning an insane amount of calories because we were unhealthy that day. It’s about challenging yourself, building confidence, and taking care of the body we have been given.
I have learned that for me, exercise is my highest form of self-care. When I challenge my body (in a loving way), I walk away from a workout feeling like I’m on top of the world. It’s not just the post-workout endorphins, it’s a feeling of empowerment and the idea that I carved out a certain amount of time that day that’s just for me. I’m very grateful to my husband who understands how exercise boosts my mood and my mental health. He helps me squeeze in at-home workouts and also helps me to make sure I hike regularly for the endorphins, vitamin D, and the social aspect. Also, shoutout to my kids’ daycare who makes it possible for me to do at-home workouts on my lunch break.
Big L and Little L, often join in during my at-home workouts. I try to make it fun for them and encourage them, but honestly, they keep me going. Both of my boys are a constant reminder of my reason to be the best version of myself. Prioritizing my physical health is one of many ways I can be the best mom to my boys and partner to my husband. Not to mention a calm, positive person and a much more pleasant human being.
Recovery is an ongoing, lifelong journey and I know aspects of my food obsession or exercise addiction may still crop up as my boys get older. I just hope I can set a positive example and send the right message so that they never have to walk the path with food and exercise that I did.
To Big L and Little L, I will always be here for you and will always encourage you in whatever you do. I will keep working on myself and do whatever it takes to be the strong, loving mom you deserve.